Sunny Realist

I have spent the winter doing an overhaul…in my home, but mostly within my mind and body…obviously it has taken all of my gray matter, because I have suffered from writers block since the First of 2012….

If you asked me in December if I believed in “Angels” I would have said “Yes, but”….it has taken me 4 months of solid life experience to realize that there are certain people who are placed in our lives for a myriad of reasons. I have had one divine intervention after another as the snow drifts turned to raindrops, perhaps because I finally started to let them in (meaning I didn’t run in fear with my hands over my ears).

“Allowing” has always been a difficulty for my strong willed, take no prisoners, I wanna do it all on my own personality. Whether it be allowing myself the help of others ,or the space to reflect free from self doubt and punishment or the ability to hold a friends hand through a crisis then step back lovingly, I have always felt the need to buck against what was truly taking place in order to view the situation in a positive light. While I am all about faith, love, trust, light and the whole happy lot, I have learned to temper my sunshine with a little rain. My gift has been in finally realizing that a rainy day here and there is OK and is, in fact, instrumental in emotional growth.

The anxious side of my being loves when life is simple and free….when I know what is coming next or how a situation will pan out. Free falling, no matter how open I am has always shaken me, because I get itchy when I can’t forecast an outcome. It has aways been an easy, go to defense mechanism of mine to focus on the rainbows, and shut out the knowledge of how rainbows originate, because to me, putting on the blinders to sadness and struggle had served to protect my heart from feeling both my own, as well as the pain of others for so many years. This whole “allowing” stuff has challenged my personality in a way that nothing else has, and while I enjoy the test, there will always be that tiny space inside that is afraid that I don’t have what it takes to shake it up and drop the baggage for good…luckily, that space is tiny, so while I may revert back to what is comfortable for a split second, I won’t..I CAN’T stay there too long. Taking off is scary..”allowing” is hard…change is frightening…complacence, however is to give up..and that just isn’t my thing… I have received gifts this winter that just won’t hear of it…

Most days I wake up on the right side of the bed. I am an optimist, through and through, and am wired to see the high points of life well before the lows even rate. I have friends who call me “smiley”, and most days, they have my personality dead on.

Such as life, however, the pendulum swings…I used to be so upset and afraid when I couldn’t derive a lesson, or a positive from a situation…the floundering shook me to my core. What I have come to realize is that you cannot always garner a lesson or a tale when stuff, well, sucks. And suck it does from time to time…it is ever difficult to truly be engaged with the world and not see sadness, or feel apathy, to discover uneasiness, or to acknowledge a pain that is buried deep within the crevices of one’s soul. It is a double whammy to be able to see, hear, feel and touch this taking place in another person, for those of us who are intuitive enough to bleed empathy. 

The power of positive thinking has gained a steady momentum these days, which is mainly a great thing, when it is used wisely, and within reason. I will not for one minute EVER be OK hearing that EVERYTHING that happens to us was brought on and for a reason. Sometimes there will be no lesson, no story, no conclusion and certainly no answer. The strongest people who I know favor a little negativity here and there because they realize that there will never only be an “up” side…we all have to crash at some point to grow, to see what we are capable of and basically to be part of the human experience. Besides..how would we know good without bad..strong without weak? Pleasure without pain, love without hate? 

While coasting through life making platitude after platitude sounds pretty cozy, at some point everyone needs that kick in the ass, giddy up , change it up moment that signals pure potential. Are most days great? Yeah…just look at the sky if you want to see a miracle, and then realize that the blue sky you are gazing at is fraught with storms every now and again as well , and yet, you will see that same smiling, crystalline sky again, when the precipitation clears,because it always does…

Enlightenment…this word alone , lately, makes me cringe…maybe I have been practicing too much yoga, or perhaps thinking too deeply about, well everything, as is my nature from time to time. So why the cringe? I suppose I am foobarred by this whole “Path of Enlightenment” that EVERYONE seems to be on these days, because in many cases, it seems disingenuous. 

Before anyone misunderstands, I have to admit to being the first to love all things soul-searching, self improving, compassionate, altruistic, etc etc etc. As a recovering seeker I have witnessed firsthand that after a while, it just gets exhausting to analyze every minutiae, of the human condition. Even more bothersome to me, is the way that some people try to dissect every single person that they come into contact with, to “gain knowledge and understanding”…I have to wonder why they …

A. Feel the need to pick apart a brain that seems to be functioning fine on its own

B. Think that they are going to be the “one” , the almighty to save their target from trauma, abuse, a rough childhood or any other thing that folks carry that no doubt leave an impression

C. Don’t look square in the mirror and ask THEMSELVES what is wrong inside of THEM that makes them feel the need to go excavating into the cavernous gray matters of others

As someone who loves meeting people, talking to people, and in many cases, counseling friends (somehow it just happens that way because I like to listen), I have witnessed  many people come full circle only to begin again because the bottom line remains that we will never have it “all” figured out, and that is OK. I guess that I tire of people, whether it be in yoga class, or at the gym or heck, everywhere these days, telling others that if they do this cleanse, follow this diet, read this book, listen to them, go on that zillion dollar retreat, fast, juice, meditate for hours on end, that they will find the “balance” that they have been seeking and thus be poofed with enlightenment, Harry Potter style. What I have learned through my existence is that the theory of “balance” is one that is too hard to chase. In my life the pendulum swings where it may due to circumstance, finances, responsibilities, etc. Does it mainly hover in the middle (That sweet balance spot)? Mostly yes, however as life would have it, this is short-lived and unmaintainable due to the fact that I have 4 pendulums in addition to my own to mind. The great thing is , however, is that you can truly find peace wherever you are, even when stuff, well, sucks. Granted it is more of a challenge, but it can be done provided that you go easy on yourself, stop picking everything apart internally and rock it out. I have come to find that as we figure out this funny, amazing path we call life, all that is desired and needed is comfort..comfort that comes in the form of being truly listened to, free from judgement, the ability to speak freely, hear feedback, and move on from whatever it is that ails us. I can only speak for myself by saying that I don’t want anyone to try to “figure me out” on their way up the spiritual realm…figuring me out is MY job, and it will no doubt, be ongoing, because, well, that’s life, and I am comfortable with this fact mainly because I have been slowly learning to let go and just live…without counting every step…

I am forever harping one of my favorite quotations upon my children…”Be the change that you wish to see in the world”. Great Mom advice, yes….However after these words spilled past my lips for the umpteenth time, I reeled myself in a bit and thought ….really pondered what does this all mean ? What am I selling to my 3 charges…and more importantly , am I living up to what  I am asking of them?

I am a creature of comfort, so for me , change is difficult, especially when life is breezing along, and flowing in a seamless fashion. Lately, however, I have come to realize that it was time to move on and up in a new direction. I had been using my obligation and love for my family to stomp down my fears of returning to school. Let’s face it….things look so much better on paper…and talking about your dreams and goals is far easier than upsetting the familial apple cart in order to put the pedal to the medal and go forth with whatever needs to be done to get to that place that you have been talking about for years. The gnawing feeling that it was “time” is what has prompted my inner dialogue, until I finally got fed up with myself enough to drive to my long abandoned university to re-enroll…what I heard from more than one of my closest friends was “Bout time”…. Hmmmmm…..

All in all, this choice is one that I can live with….frankly because I fear change far less than I would fear knowing that I bailed because I was too much of a wuss to challenge myself.

Do I think that I will change the world? I’d like to believe so( I feel that every one of us has the power to change the world)…positive action doesn’t have to be filled with grandeur….It does however, have to be rooted in hard work, altruism, compassion, grit, and humor, so if these qualities are what I can offer, I am ready to be the change….

November 27, 2000 is a day that will live in my mind forever…I have never faced death up close and personal. Sure, I had been to wakes and had lost grandparents (which was horrific and sad, but some how easier to cope with because they had put their stamp on this life), but the death of a young mother…no.

 Eva was diagnosed with Stage 4, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma in the fifth month of her second pregnancy. I too, was newly pregnant,(also with my second daughter) so I bristled with anger at my cousins grim fate. Eva was a fighter in every sense of the word, long before cancer presented itself in the body that was so alive with her beautiful baby, so she decided to give cancer the one two punch…she had her plan…

My cousin and I were close, because we shared so many of the same interests. 13 years my senior, she was my surrogate mother,best friend,auntie,shoulder,cheerleader,etc. We shared two pregnancies at the same time, and had spent hours on the phone discussing our impending motherhood. To say that she had a huge piece of my heart was an understatement, she was and remains to this day the person that I most look up to because she had all of the qualities that I hold dear…Tenacity, grit, positivity, compassion, humor, sarcasm, a deep love for her family, courage, loyalty, and one hell of a sense of style.

I clearly remember that Thanksgiving weekend..Eva was in her mother’s kitchen making pie crust, and she was PISSED..it was coming out all wrong. She could have lit me on fire with her look( for a split second and then she smiled) when I suggested Pillsbury for the Thanksgiving pies… we kept at it, until a few minutes later she rolled the offensive dough up into a firm ball, walked to the trash can and threw it out. I was incredulous..she had made her statement..she was sick, she was tired, and she was angry. Eva looked at me and said “I am DONE”, I replied “We can make another crust” she said “No..I am done”, and I knew that she was done with more than piecrust. She had fought, she was sick, and she reached her goal of being there for her baby’s first birthday, she knew that it was time. 

2 days later as our entire family gathered in her hospital room to say goodbye for the last time, I sat next to her and told her that it was OK….that everyone would be OK…and despite missing her every day of our lives we are mostly.. OK.

I looked around that sterile room,for a bit, devouring the whole scene in my mind’s eye, because I didn’t want to forget a thing. I got up, and gazed out the window at the Boston skyline’s twinkle, musing at the beauty. During my next sweeping glance around I took in the amazing family that my cousin and I were blessed to be a part of. I saw the pain etched on everyone’s face, the pain of having to say “Goodbye” to one of the best parts of ourselves, the finality of death….which is odd because I still feel so connected to her..through her mother, her sister, her daughter’s, through finally facing my fear and going back to nursing school, through it all. I still smile when I think of Eva, because she has inspired so much in me, and for that I am grateful.

I was teaching my classes this week and the same topic came up in both sessions….inspiration. I asked the kids, what does it mean to be inspired ?  I could rattle off the definition , however, it is my feeling that a weighty word like inspired can take on a myriad of meanings.

The summary of what the kids said consisted of, as one soulful boy in the front row answered ‘the things and people who make us want to be better people…both inside and out’. Concise and well said , particularly for a 10-year-old boy. In the spirit of positive momentum, I asked for and received a list that heralded parents, grandparents, authors, sports players, medical staff, police, fire fighters, first responders, and teachers.

Their answers were so quick and so sure….so much so that I posed yet another question..that being ‘what is it that makes the people whom you have chosen an inspiration’, I prompted them to think about my question and told them that we could answer the following week, (good move because I had to think about that one myself).

What I came up with after pondering was that every person on the list showed up and gave their time, expertise and in extreme cases their personal safety…not just because it made them feel great, but because they believe (as many volunteers do)that  the example we set matters. Mentors step outside of themselves and their world to be of service to others. They work hard, they practice, they are determined, and they give, whether it be personally or remotely. The one thing missing from the list ? Anyone self-professed( Gurus, specialist this or that, etc. etc etc.)….the people who made the cut tended toward going about their day, doing their thing, with no attention or fanfare involved, because they realize that it is not all about peering through their personal lens.

For my own purposes, I teach because I love it, and I pray that anything that I say will make one life better…my personal goal is to impact one life…the rest,(God willing) will be a bonus. Mostly, however, I teach because in doing so, I learn. Each kid whom I have had the privilege to share space with has educated me in ways that college never could. They inspire me. They make me laugh, they make me shake my head, they make my blood pressure rise and they make me have faith in the future; more than anything they make me want to be the best version of myself…inspired indeed.

I used to wonder why I somehow attracted the needy types….you know, the people who come into your life, and lean on you, but offer not much in return. Don’t get me wrong..I am a “helper” by nature so it is common for me to try to make everyone’s life a bit easier if I can, and don’t mind doing so because in friendship there is no keeping score. I soon found, however, that for some, no matter how much help they get, or how much a friend offers to assist, they are always living behind the 8 ball, many times for no good reason. So where do I come in to play? Simple…I made room in my life for unbalanced friendships , and had no one to blame except the person staring back at me in the mirror. Who knows why I did it (youth, loyalty, that helper mentality), the excuses are many and varied, and did nothing to dissipate the stress that I felt from taking on the closet goblins of others.

So what’s a girl to do? For one thing recognize my role and start making small shifts. Never did anything ring as true as one of my favorite quotes when I started what I call “my change”. ‘Those who mind don’t matter….those who matter don’t mind’…what I found was that my daily doings became simplified when I didn’t answer the texts that offered nothing but gossip, or when I didn’t feel the need to ask so and so if they were OK (because we all have those so and so’s who are never OK), or when I didn’t kill myself and carve room for the superfluous that didn’t touch my soul in some way. The great result was that my true friends stuck around, and well, the rest fell away into the outskirts. Any loss can be hard at first, however loss is part of the human condition. I had to ask myself if I really wanted people in my life who only “took”…and for me the hard fast answer was “no”, thus making these losses easier to tolerate. Frankly , my head check had everything to do with how I view the world and very little to do with the people whom I had allowed to invade the rooms of my life.

I’ve realized that my life is like a summer cottage….I will happily squeeze in the events and people who truly have my back..the ones who take the time to ask how I am doing and listen with true interest, because that is the kind of friend that I am.

Like many of my peers I have a hard time saying “no”. It should seem simple, however it is not…partly because I am a fixer, and mostly because I loathe conflict (not that anyone loves to twist, writhe, fuss or fight). And you know, it has been a double edged sword, this whole “yesing” pattern that I have gotten myself into. On one hand it has fed my need to nurture by making me the go to gal for everyone from friends to the checkout guy at Trader Joe’s, but as things come to pass and upon further reflection, I am realizing more and more that I can say “no”, and that everything will be just fine….like, really.
I can say “no” to the favor request, “no” to the invitation to co teach Sunday School, “no” to missing my favorite yoga class to counsel this one or that one through crisis du jour, and “no” to the random midnight texts from fair weather friends who have to clue how to call to see how MY world is rocking.
In coming to terms with my sip from the fountain of knowledge my mack daddy,I guru moment was realizing that I created all of this…the patterns, the friendships, and the drama, for a myriad of reasons too mundane and human to list here. The fact IS that we all have to clear out clutter in our lives, and allow more space for saying “yes”, sans guilt.
The things that I will now have time to say “yes” to as a result of my emotional housekeeping are as follows:
- Finally finishing school! Yay me! Yay my family!
- Volunteering for the things that call to me and my sense of love, service to children (both my own and others)and pure enjoyment.
- True, equal friendships. No more will I sit at a table with someone having appetizers while being 100 percent certain that they talk about me behind my back.
- My own voice without shame and with respect for those around me.
So I urge you…remove the cobwebs in your psyche, check under your mental bed for dust bunnies , and Swiffer those suckers, because they can become joy suckers…remove everything that gets in the way of your happy, because now is your time!

Last week I realized that I went to pursue my nursing degree far too soon. I went back slowly…..class by class with a two-week old baby and two toddlers, while my husband was a mere shadow in our lives due to his hectic work schedule. WHAT WAS I THINKING? The good news? I graduated with a degree, but not in nursing.The bad news? That time was fraught with chronic, needless anxiety that I had heaped on my plate.  This timing mistake (yes, mistake because I should have known better but charged ahead anyway), was one that I learned a great lesson from, once I was open enough to receive it.

 I have learned numerous lessons from my many mistakes, and  am happy to cop to having made them. I still may never comprehend why people refuse to admit that they make mistakes, or try to gloss over their gaffes with play on words. In fact, when I look back, I can percolate a commonality in all of my decision hiccups and they are as follows…

1. Ego -  Ahhhh EGO….we have all (well those of us who are self-aware) taken a spin on the dance floor with Sir or Madam Ego! Ego is always the driving force behind ANY inability to  belive that one has the capability to make a mistake. Call em what you want…‘lessons, my path, my destiny, fate’, what have you. The fact remains that you blew it, no matter how big or how small, and that is OK. When you erase the accountability from your screw ups, you also incinerate the lesson.

2. Arrogance – Lets face it, no one wants to believe that they are arrogant, yet at times we all are. Sometimes being arrogant serves a person well, thus it becomes a pattern. The caveat is that these are usually people who are used to winning (I’m having a Charlie Sheen moment here…DUH WINNING), so their arrogance plays well, so well in fact, that it doesn’t even seem to be what it is. Until they blow it, make a mistake and call it something else. Then it shines like a spotlight. It’s the ‘anything you can do I can do better syndrome’, that leads us to believe that we can’t possibly fail, screw up or foo bar….guess what? We can! What one does post F’ up, how they pick up the pieces, is the act that shows true character. Drive, inspiration and ambition are wonderful, arrogance is not…know the difference, because in my humble experience, arrogance masquerades as the positive traits listed above so well that it slips around unnoticed…until..well…it is noticed, big time.

3. Magical Thinking - I must start this by saying that I believe that we all have special talents, gifts, etc, that only we hold, that are unique to our beings. It is when we fool ourselves into the belief that everyone should think the way that we do or more simply put, peer through our  personal lens and adopt our beliefs because,well, they are better anyway. Not only does this thought process reek of both Ego and arrogance, it is elitist and exclusive. The whole ‘my way or the highway’ thing does not translate well if a person wishes to form true bonds…. And frankly, I can’t take anyone seriously who will not admit that they aren’t perfect…I just can’t.

4. Storytelling – Everyone has a past (I know..I am Captain Obvious). It is when a person ALWAYS cites their past as a gloss over for their present. For example ‘I went back to college at the wrong time’, becomes ‘as the child of an alcoholic I felt the need to over acheive, and fix others, and blah…blah..blah….’ are you bored yet? I know that I am and that is MY story. I have learned that no one wants to hear a sermon because they have their own demons to dance with at midnight. So lay off and say something to the effect of  ‘bad timing on my part, I will pick it up again when life settles down’, and leave it at that because that, is, all that it really is anyway. OWN IT! The cerebral all the time thing is draining, and who wants to be an energy sucker?

What have I learned from having to be humble and leave my program? I learned that when one makes excuses instead of owning their mistakes, or calling them something else, they stunt their growth faster than a steady diet of Starbucks would stunt the growth of a young child.  If one doesn’t call it like it is they stay stuck, spinning their wheels, sometimes for years on end.

I am going back to college in September. I have 2 middle schoolers who can grab their younger brother from elementary school and meet me at home, on my most hectic of days. My girls can contact me on their cell phones if they need me, and I can focus on my classes because I will have the piece of mind, and faith in their abilities that I didn’t have when they were small. My quest for an RN will be a family effort, will prove demanding at times, and will no doubt be exhausting more often than not. Now, though, it is doable, thanks to timing, commitment and learning from ones mistakes….

These days there are far too many nuances of manners that are seemingly a lost art. Where does it all begin? In my humble opinion, these hiccups of human nature are a result of self-awareness or lack thereof. How many of us have been guilty of, or know people  who are so darn kind and wonderful yet, have no clue? This is not to say that we should all be mind readers or have the ability to morph into someone else’s emotional twin, not at all…but it begs to question…do we listen ENOUGH to what others are saying?

I get it..we are all important and have lots to think, show and say, but at what cost? There is nothing more alarming to me than the person who can’t get outside of their own head and life, especially the folks who feel the need to tell EVERYONE things that they don’t want to hear, and more than likely have no space for, myself being one of said people.The more that I think about it, I may be partly to blame for having to wade through the verbal vomit of others. I am , by nature, a listener, a trait that I have had handed down to me from dear old Dad (I can also BLAB, oh boy can I blab…..and obviously have many outlets for my voice, however my talents tip far more toward the listening and counseling side of the pendulum), which means that for some reason, I am the go to gal, when the poo goes a flying. I find this amusing because I am still trying to figure out life on my own terms, and sometimes wonder why anyone would think that I could offer anything other than good will and a positive attitude. I do grow weary of the people who NEVER take the time to ask how another person is doing, or take a minute to check out a friends photos,yet expect immediate gratification for their accomplishments, however, I don’t let any of this bother me too much, because  these  itty nuances of human behavior are all great tools when you think about it…this is how I know who is truly my friend and who is just in it for a gain (whatever that may be). So what have I learned the hard way, because we have all at one time or another been the person described above….

1. LISTEN – Sounds like a cinch huh? Listening is single-handedly one of the HARDEST things that I have ever had to learn to do…and by this I mean truly listen, and hear a person’s whole tale before launching in with one’s own opinion , or similar experience ( I realize that this is a challenge that takes A LOT of patience, especially if the story is a repeated diatribe) . No one who is bereft wants to hear about the time that (insert life challenge here) happened to you, and how you prevailed or worse, derailed. If they want to know they will ask, however, at this point, your friend just needs an ear…Be that ear because you never know when you may need the favor returned.

2. GET OVER YOURSELF – Seriously….unless someone asks, don’t pontificate. Everything doesn’t have to be YOUR story….Yes I dropped my IPOD today..it smashed into a million pieces, and I am pissed. I could do without the speech about how I can choose to be happy or sad about this(BTW in case you haven’t clued in, I chose PISSED that I can’t rock out to Motley Crue during my run, and  also because I don’t have the funds this week to  just run over and get a new IPOD, because I just spent 1600 dollars on a root canal)..but really, thanks anyway because I know that it comes from a place of kindness.

3. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FRIENDSHIPS – This means sending the occasional ‘how are you text?’ without needing something….or checking out the pics of their kids that they posted and comment because you would want them to do the same. Be happy for them when things go well and be present when they take a hit. Read and comment on their blog, Facebook page or bestselling novel. If you feel distance, correct it…if you have words, apologize.  Make sure that you get together both with and without the kids, because in life, good , true friends are hard to find. Let your buds know that you have their back because in the end we all need to feel valued and protected. Above all else realize that in order to have a friend, one must be a friend, and to do so takes face time.

4. BE HONEST – Many people confuse being confrontational with being honest. One does not have to be an up your face type to be honest…it is much harder to be honest when your feathers are not ruffled than it is to get wild and let it all hang out. A person can be both tactful and honest, because we all have different “truths”.

5. STOP THE CONSTANT COMPLAINING – One thing that we all have in common as human beings is that we have all felt pain (both physical and emotional), loss, discomfort, anxiety, fear, disappointment, joy, elation,panic, sadness, guilt, wonder, gratitude, appreciation, heartbreak etc. The part that I can skip, however, is when people constantly bitch or pull the “you don’t know what I am going through, because you have never been where I have been”, or my personal fave…” “Talk to me when you have been through (XYZ)”. Guess what? You are damn right I don’t know… how would I? Having not been in the same emotional place doesn’t mean that I lack empathy, or have not suffered things that would curl your hair, I just choose not to blame others and throw away all of the good that is my life. Believe me, there are many shoes that I wish that I could hop into to gain insight, but I realize that we all have our own path. Life isn’t a ‘who has been through more’ contest. I am all for venting and getting stuff off of one’s chest because being pent-up is not soul food. I just wonder why it isn’t accepted practice to jump up and down for a few minutes, stomping your feet, rather than holding people hostage for not “understanding”. If having a quick tantrum can avoid emotional chaos, then I am all for them!

6. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK – I love this one…being a free spirit, I have put my foot into my mouth more times than I could count. It is with age and some wisdom that I  have come to realize that it is so important to watch your words. So I guess this means that the free spirit excuse is no good when it comes to offending others. We are all on our own path..respect others path because you would like the same..rock that Golden Rule in style.

7. BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE – Own your space, stop comparing your life to that of others, love your home whether it is a hut or a mansion because it is yours, do not covet anyone else’s body, mind, bank account, spouse, career, house, seeming happiness, ability to be, don’t covet anything….Don’t apologize for what you wear, eat, drive, etc. Be inspired, be happy in your own right and love yourself, because you deserve it!